Monday, July 31, 2006

"Man is a reed, the weakest of nature, but he is a thinking reed"

"Hey, tiny bugie! Where are you heading so fast?"- I couldn't help myself asking a little creature walking across the page of the article about women's literature I was reading. It was light- brown and not more than 2 mm long. Stepping over many words, which were simply black spots on it's "pavement", it reached the edge of the page, hesitated: what to do next? For a moment it ran to the back of the page, but came back. For a brief second it lingered on the edge trying to catch balance, and then suddenly spread it's little wings and in a flash it was gone flying away in an unknown direction.
So much nothing but it stunned me and brought to my mind Blaise Pascal. Because we are such bugs in the universe. And what if we are rushing on someone's property, having no idea that our world is indeed just a small part of it? If everything we are or we think or would like to be, is simply a meaningless joke? And people hate to think that they are meaningless and their life has no purpose. That's why we have created ourselves a god, who makes it all clear and makes it easier to understand all the miracles. And Pascal , although a very religious man, once wrote: "If God does not exist, one will lose nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose everything by not believing". So it seems, it's better to be a cool rationalist than a devoted believer.
"It is man's natural sickness to believe that he posesses the Truth".

Friday, July 28, 2006

My first time...

It was surprisingly huge, I must admit. I didn't expect it to be so gentle either. At first I was afraid to touch it, as I have never been so close. But the most frightening thing was, that I didn't know how to use it and I certainly didn't want to make a fool of myself. Indeed, I was a little bit abashed. But it felt nice and smooth under my fingers. As it moved I felt like on a swing, slowly swaying from side to side. I could feel its great strength but also calmness, which assured me that nothnig wrong will happen. And then it started... We changed our rhythms, moving faster, and faster. I couldn't control my body, moving up-and-down, up-and-down. What is going on with me? Please stop, stop!!! It hurts, it doesn't give me any satisfaction..... And then I suddenly got an idea how to do it! Our moves finally synchronised and it was nothing more but a pure pleasure. I can't wait now to get it more. I think I'm already in love with horse riding.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

An Unexpected Encounter

Location: bus stop
Me: total indifference
Someone Unknown: unexpected

SU: Hey! Oh my goodness- ages, simply ages since we last saw each other!!!

Me: Hmm???

SU: Don't You recognise me? God damn it, all those endless discussions and laughing... and our hidden places... and secret kisses...

Me: ... Wait a second, someting comes to me...

SU: Remember, You were always a detective, I was a villain! Oh, and Paulina- You kicked her ass few times! And you must certainly remember Pawel- the one, who wanted to be a gynecologist and played LEGO with You all the time!

Me: Hey, and that spicy porn magazine we found with girlfriends- what was our surprise- the first penis in our lifes!!! And Adam ... on the swing ... and hideouts in bushes ... playing tricks on old ladies... and everything so new...

I: You see, that was not that long ago ... I'm sorry but I'm in a bit hurry, so take care. Maybe we'll meet again someday.

Me: I don't think so ... but it really was nice to see You again. Bye!

Yesterday I met my Innocence...

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Sometimes Poland seems to me worse than a Third World Country- especially when it comes to matters such as homosexuality and feminism. Luckily most of my friends have an open approach towards those matters so there is a hope, that not all our citizens think the way top politicians do. Nevertheless, I very often find myself discussing and fighting for women rights. I support women organisations fighting for the equal rights for women and men, fighting against patriarchy and abuse. During my studies and work on my master degree diploma I encountered many aspects of abuse towards women and children. My final work about human traffic, its etiology and consequences, clearly shows that those grups are the most vulnerable. If societies don't change their attitude towards women and children's right, no way we can fight against such crimes.
Women, whose voice wasn't heard for hunderds of years, in XX century have finally got the chance to speak- and are using their power to change stereotypes and fight for equality. It turned out that we are as strong, talented and bright as men; we can achive the same goals but we must be given the same opportunities and be treated likewise men.
Luckily for young women these days, partnership in a love relationship has become something normal. We are financially independent, well- educated and that gives us chance to hold on to our own way and let the partner enrich us, not conquer. For me always the example has been my parents' marriage- they are partners. My mom is an independent but a very thoughtful person. She showed me that having a family doesn't mean, that I have to resign from myself, from my own "inner- world", that it's very important to, apart from all duties an adult life puts on me, to have time for oneself. She has always been showing me and my sister opportunities and encouraging us to try them out and be open to chances life brings. I hope that someday I'll be such mother for my children.

Monday, July 24, 2006

On the Making of Life

Location: a bus stop
Me: waiting for the bus, relaxed, contemplating the beauty of sunny afternoon
I was sitting on the bench, waiting for a bus to come, from time to time closing my eyes and catching warm sun rays, when suddenly I heard ( or precisely speaking I smelled) that someone approched. It was an old, neglected lady with a hump on her back, wearing torn skirt and extremely dirty blouse. Leaning down she started to sweep the pavement edge, where usually all unwanted scrapes of paper and smoked cigarettes thrown by careless passer-by find their sad destiny. Wondering what the hell she was doing, as she certainly didn't look like a professional road sweeper, two things came to my mind. As I noticed her secretly picking up and hiding cigarette ends, it firstly struck me, what a powerful addiction people get themleves into smoking is. But then, as the look, not taking into account the smell, was tragic, it occured to me, what poor quality her life must be.
I don't believe in christian's, muslim's or whoever's god- I believe that one is the master of one's own fate. How come then this time the life took over control? And I don't mean either her dignity nor morality, but the loss of purpose and meaning of human's most precious gift- the life. When did it start to spin out of her hands? Was it falling in love with a wrong kind of man? Making one compromise too much? Loosing somebody? Having noone to support, help or simply love her?
Each human being has it's own story; is made of different experience, choices, culture and lives in one's own unique universe. But each single one of us has a power of changing reality, is entitled to grasp and form one's fate. Of course some aspects of our lifes aren't within realms of our possibility, but nevertheless more than we think depend on who we are, what is our goal and how much we want to achieve it.
And now I'm going to make a cherry pie ... and I'm highly motivated to succeed and make it delicious! Ha!

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Hunger for the Conquest

Yesterday we met with our friends who have already "conquered" almost all continents. Their stories, sometimes scary to death but mostly funny, always make me crave for adventure. This year maybe some of my dreams will actually come true. Taking it as a whole, life is simply too short and the Earth too interesting to push Your dreams away. Carpe diem and I'm sticking to my new philosophy of living.

And that's the small reminder of my short holidays in July- I think I'm seriously getting into photographing. Quite a fun I must admit.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Healthy selfishness

Lately I've been engrossed by the book by Tina Santi Flaherty "What Jackie taught us ". I wasn't taken by it's sophisticated language or precision in details, I was rather charmed by the person of Jaquline Kennedy and her attitudes towards life. She was in fact an extraordinary person, though it seems to me that sometimes her actions were a little bit calculated. But well, that only proves that she was highly motivated to achive her goal. Either way, I really got interested and surely will search for more information on her life and work.
Lately I've conducted an experiment on myself. I tried not to focus on anything else but my own happiness, my own goals, trying to deal with problem with minimal anger, not getting interested or involved in elses problems or stupidity, and it really worked. I feel better, calmer, concentrated on my own good. It's a healthy selfishness. Never again am I to turn in the wrong direction. Hopefully!!!

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Inner Light

Inner light!
The first thought that came to my mind this day. The thought that woke me up and gave me strenght for today's battle. I'm searching for that inner light each time I feel the life is getting out of my hands.
Let it be my first post, in my lovely violet!