Saturday, December 30, 2006

D-Day Tomorrow

Oh, I'm thrilled and excited and scared!
Tomorrow the New Year's Eve and the first playing with the band! I believe we'll make it, as each of us have quite an experience, but nevertheless I always feel that thrill. Today the last rehersal, the time to realise our mistakes that we'll have no time to fix :) My voice is a little bit overstrained but hopefully it'll get better till tomorrow.
So please, send me Your good thoughts and I'm sure they will help!
Thanks in advance!
May You all have wonderful New Year's fun!

Saturday, December 23, 2006

I'm all relaxed! Four free days!
I try to clean my home- it's all rubbish as I had no time for keeping it clean.
Few last days were hectic- work, rehersal, work, rehersal, work ...
Now it's time for me! Nothing more, nothing less.
And I would wish You all Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.
May You all cherish the time spent with family and friends, beacuse the life is all about people!

Friday, December 22, 2006

My Dear Friends

Oh, what an evening! I met few of my friends, with whom I didn't have contact for few years. They are all from my "singing world". We used to be together for couple of years in the singing school, learning voice release, solfege, taking part in singing contests, musical workshops during holidays, giving multiple performances. The bunch of people with the same passion, the same sense of humour. Some of us started acting studies, some went to professional jazz schools, some turned into totally different direction leaving the singing adventure behind them. But for all of us those years spent together will always be a great memory.
We were all invited to the anniversary concert of the students of our "old" singing school. So many talented people, we were amazed. Especially one of them, of which we'll surely hear in the future. The concert of sentimental memories, meeting teachers we haven't seen for so long and of course friends. We promised each other to meet often from now on and I hope we'll all find time for it.
I say that is the best Christmas present I could get!
Lova ya all!

To Sum Up

The end of year means summing up Your achivements and setting goals for this comming 12 months. I'm quite far from looking further than one month. My plans simply become too fictional than. But definately I like to count the good things that happened to me, the hurdles I managed to overcome, the knowledge I gained. So here I go:
1. The relationship- the seventh year which was a kind of breakthrough for me- cherishing, understanding, discovering, appreciation.
2. The family- so close and loving, but we lacked time for each other- the thing to change next year
3. The music- a step forward, the set up of the new band, new inspirations!
4. The work- that fits me, which I enjoy, the company I feel a part of.
5. Friends- always the quality time, the people to count on.
6. Many pursues for truth, the year of doubts and spiritual searching but the peace is now in my heart. I'm conciously building my life philosophy.
Generally, this year made me realise many grave matters and made me wiser a bit, that's for sure!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

What colour should be my blog???

Your Blog Should Be Red

Your blog is full of intensity and passion.
You are very opinionated - and people love or hate you for it.
You have the potential to be both a famous and infamous blogger.

I love those foolish tests- some are quite surprising!

My Career

Your Career Personality: Independent, Flexible, and Ingenious

Your Ideal Careers:
Nightclub owner
Private investigator
Real estate developer
Stand up comic
Venture capitalist
Video game developer

The Mystery of My Brain

You Are 20% Left Brained, 80% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.
Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.
If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.
Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.

The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.
Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.
If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.
Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

There's just ME

If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me
And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me
So many times I define my pride through somebody else's eyes
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality passionately
I must begin with me
There's just me...
One is the magic number
If I add myself unto myself multiplied times you
and yours and you again
There's just me
And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is... there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree, use any theorem
There's just me
There's just me...
One is the magic number
Me, me, me, me...
That is the lyrics of Jill Scott's song "One is the magic" from her first album "Who is Jill Scott? Words and Sounds, Vol.1". I adore her voice and lyrisc she writes. There is something totally sweet and sexy about her.

Monday, December 18, 2006

No Snow

I quess my first Christmas without getting gently into the winter. But everything around is so furiously speeding that it's for me highly convenient that I don't get stuck in snowdrifts.

Monday, December 11, 2006

I'm back

I'm back to balance!
Again and Finally!
Tough weekend behind me- no rest- rehersals and recordings. But that's fine- that's the essence of my life now. The rest left behind- friends, all worries seem non-existant- at least for a while.
Christmas time is here- the cheap christmas atmosphere with carols and Santas on every corner, christmas trees sparkling with colourful lights and presents shopping has arrived. And there's nothing else to do, but give Yourself in, and taste a bit of holiday joy.
Contrary to previous years, we are not hidden in snow but take pleasure in sunny days making the grass greener than in autumn. But well,
the change is a the only constant thing we have in our lifes.
So carpe diem and so long for today!

Saturday, December 09, 2006


This night I had the most terryfing, disturbing nightmare in my whole life. It was connected with a dream I had months ago in which I somehow found myself in a hospital as a visitor. Walking down the corridor I was spotted by lady working there as a psychologist. I don't know why, but she asked me to help her. She had to tell one family waiting at the hospital, that their relative deceased, and take them to the room, when the corpse was. In such things I'm a total coward. Every death, every burial in the family is for me an experience so emotionally tough, that I have to recover for few weeks, fighting with sadness and fear. That's why I was very reluctunt to help the lady. But somehow she managed to persuade me and though it wasn't a nice experience, I coped with it. The family members were in pain when they saw their dead relative lying on the bed in a darkened hospital room, but I was there to support and give them hope.
Tonight I once again found myself in that same hospital. Walking down the corridor I encountered the same lady. This time she was to tell me that my Mum died. I was struck! Couldn't speak a word, couldn't make a move, the pain fell upon me, the world around was blurred. All I could see were sad eyes of that psychologist, full of sympathy for me. Than she took me to the same, darkened room I remembered from the previous dream. And there she was- my Mum. I came to bed and hold her in my arms crying, sobbing with sadness and the great loss, and the emptiness that filled my body, remembering all the good moments we had, regretting she'll never see her grandchildren.
And then I woke up- trembling in the middle of the night. Firstly I felt a relief that it was just a dream, but soon after I burst into cry, tears were falling down, made me choke with sobbing. I couldn't help it. My body inside was so moved, trembling. I felt the pain in my chest and it was hard for me to breath. My body hurt, my heart was pounding, I had chaos in my mind. The physical reaction was so overwhelming, and I couldn't overcome it. All I wanted was to call my parents to make sure they are ok. But I realised it was 4 a.m. and my call would only make them anxious about me. I woke up my Dear and he hold me till I stopped crying. I couldn't go to sleep right away, had to distract with something that would make me calm, and before 6 a.m. I fell asleep on the couch in the living room.
Writing this I feel the same I felt that night. Sadness, the pain! I can't stop the tears! In few moments I'm going to see my Mum- and gonna hold her tight to make sure she is ok. I feel that somehow that dream changed me. I touched the feelings so grave, so horrific that I will never forget.
And I don't want them to ever come real, I DON'T WANT!!!

Thursday, December 07, 2006


There's a crack in everything,
that's how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen

Nothing and nobody is perfect.
But when the sun shines on You in that warm December morning, that's when the beauty of existance fills all the imperfect cracks.
And nothing can break You down if You believe that this moment is all You have.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Wine Stuff

I like drinking wine, but I'm certainly not a connoisseur. All I know is white, red and whether it tastes good to me. Oh, and I like that slight buzz it gives.
Today we bought the semi-sweet red wine with a slight raspberry flavour. I love raspberries so I waited so anxiously to open the bottle. Ahhh, the delicate flavour of the summer... . The first sip... Shit, unfortunately I'm still no connoisseur... Where are the raspberries? All I taste is WINE!
Sip by sip
Sweet visitor
The wine drops in
The fun begins
And the bottle's dry
And it's drop too much
And therre's no more talk
And once more I just drop off

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Global Warming

Unusually warm December- sometimes feeling like the early spring. And I really don't mind. But isn't it an effect of the global warming? Well, as to my impressions, they can be totally subjective, but the facts don't lie. I choose not to believe yet that the world is changing, but unfortunately devastation people do to nature alters the climat. But wouldn't it be great if the term "global warming" meant someting totally different? If it was a warming in people relations?
"Good Afternoon. Here we come with our today's news. Unbelievable changes are being observed all over the world. Last week not even one case of a homicide was noted. Usually deadly African borders give no signs of fights. Are the tribes getting into understanding? Hopefully they do. That amazing change of attitude seems to resonate not only throughout the whole african continent, but also South America and Middle East. The peace talks between Palestine and Israel finally came to reality. And true democracy and peace are knocking to Iraq's shattered door. Is it only a moment or do we have serious grounds to think about permanent changes? Nonetheless that unusual situation cheers everybody. But many skeptics also raise a question: Isn't it against human nature? The nature to fight, to go forward and expand, to compete? Aren't we loosing it?"

Monday, December 04, 2006

Afternoon Stroll

Location: A post office
Time: Monday afternoon
Me: Amazed

Almost every day after 2 p.m. I take a short stroll. Loaded with envelopes prepared to be send, I walk with no hurry to the nearby post office. It's a time of leisure during the work day. I take my time watching the world around me. Many ideas come to me during that time, when my mind for a moment stops that intense rush and my inner batteries recharge. Step by step, breath by breath I get into my own space.
Each time I visit the post- office one of the ladies working there constantly amazes me. She's very short (even smaller that me and I certainly ain't a giant), slim and totally into her work. It's incredible to see her stamping the envelopes, sticking the stickers, signing milions of papers. The rush and the energy she puts into it could be split for two people. She reminds me a bee- always in a hurry, or a coliber that moves his wings with an amazing speed. Unlike other workers she is not sitting on the chair as her legs can't touch the ground then. It's funny to see her moving out and about. She is very optimistic and kind, never refuses her help and seems to be the busiest person in the whole office.
You know, sometimes one stranger can cheer You up- and that's the gift. That lady is surely gifted.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Mellow Friday

I shut my eyes- the sun rays are blinding me and it's ... great! At last the fog is gone and at last it's Friday afternoon. One more coffee at work and off I go!
The best still before me- preparing the menu for tomorrow's party, certainly some reading and evening chillout in the loving arms.
What else can I say- the paradise!

Red Ribbon- we can make a difference

World AIDS Day is dedicated to raising awareness of the global AIDS pandemic caused by the spread of HIV infection. AIDS has killed more than 25 million people, making it one of the most destructive epidemics in recorded history. Despite recent, improved access to antiretroviral treatment and care in many regions of the world, the AIDS epidemic claimed an estimated 3.1 million lives in 2005 of which, more than half a million were children.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Path of Mine

Although I feel about myself as an agnostic, the opinions of Michael Apler are a little bit shocking to me and I don't fully agree with the kind of message he conveys. But it's right to be open and pursue for the truth about myself, even if it means stepping on rough-hewn, stoned path.
I was brought up in christian faith, with Jesus teaching us how to live and Almighty God punishing for the wrong deeds. But the moment I started to embrace the life, when I realised the multitude of visions of gods and philosophies it made me think deeper, made me dig into the issues I was so strongly advised to believe in.
Firstly, I started to deny the role of women in christian religion. How it happened that suddenly roman godesses, and women following them, disappeared from political and religious life? The era of men began. Well it could be understood in secular life, but wasn't it time when church had influence on almost every part of human life? All discrimination, religious acts of violence, the Inquisition, killing helpless, self-aware women called witches, were inspired by infallible church. I couldn't also agree with the role of women, that religion teachers tried to put on us. That was appalling. Including all that bla, bla about pre-marriage sex, abortion and the "must" of motherhood. I was fortunate enough that my parents let me choose in high-school whether I wanted to attend those lessons, let me read what I wanted and speak freely about my feelings. So I started looking for some other kind of higher sense, maybe even god, but stripped of lies and hundreds of years of deceit.
I'm still searching..., although I feel peaceful enough, because I know that my attitude towards other people is always correctly judged by my conscience. It's important to me that I act ethically, that noone is hurt by me. If sometimes I fail to behave what I call right, I always have that gut feeling, which doesn't make me forget I was wrong. Above that, I give myself a free will to think what I want, believe in what I want and live my life according to my own rules. I gave myself a right to live the one and only life I have with the full speed, full pleasure and full spirit I own.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Mind is all I need

All we need is our mind.

Lately I have encountered an extremely interesting book by Michael Apler "The 'God' Part of the Brain". Well, honestly speaking I haven't yet chance to read it, but the premise (that You'll find in the link) sounds intriquing. Looking for information about the author I found an interview which will give an idea what's the book about.

Q: What compelled you to write this book ?
A: From the moment I conceived of my own mortality, I was compelled to question the notions of a spiritual reality, a god, a soul, and an afterlife. Was I mortal or immortal? Was I a physical or spiritual being?

Q: What led you to take the approach you did ?
A: Having studied the cognitive sciences, I came to realize that every aspect of my conscious experience could be reduced to neurophysiological processes. Perhaps, I thought, the same might be true for what we refer to as spiritual experiences as well.

Q: What do you mean exactly by a "God" part of the brain ?
A: What I mean by this is that the human species possesses a mechanism, an evolutionary adaptation in our brain--a religious/spiritual function--which compels us to perceive and believe that there exists a transcendental/supernatural quality in the universe.

Q: And why would our species have evolved such a mechanism ?
A: With the advent of self-conscious awareness, humans became the first animal that could conceive of its own mortality, its own inevitable death.

In order to survive the excruciating anxiety that resulted from this awareness, a cognitive mechanism was selected into our species that compelled us to believe in an alternate, spiritual reality, one which allowed us to perceive ourselves as able to transcend physical death and therefore live forever in some type of afterlife.

Q: What evidence is there that we possess such a "spiritual" mechanism in our brain ?
A: Empirically, the fact that every culture from the dawn of our species has believed in some form of a spiritual reality as well as engaged in specific religious practices (building of religious shrines; creation of a mythology and a priestly class; praying; birth, puberty, marriage and death rituals; etc,.) would imply that spirituality and religiosity represent an integral part of our genetic inheritance.
Ethnobotanically, the fact that there exist certain plants and/or chemicals that can trigger a spiritual experience in us demonstrates that there must exist some part of the brain that is receptive to these chemicals.
Moreover, recent neurobiological evidence supports such a hypothesis.

a) Temporal lobe epileptics: people whose seizures trigger intense religious feelings.
b) Religiously-oriented "organic psycho-syndromes" in which people who have suffered a head injury, afterwards, become excessively religious.
c) Michael Persinger's transcranial magnetic stimulator, a device that shoots a concentrated electromagnetic field at a specific portion of the brain. When directed at the temporal lobe, the subject invariably undergoes a religious/spiritual experience.
d) Functional MRIs have revealed that the acts of meditation and prayer activate specific parts of the brain.

Q: Is there a difference between our spiritual and religious impulses ?
A: Yes. Whereas the religious impulse compels us to create a mythology, adhere to church doctrine, and engage in ritualistic behaviors, the spiritual impulse compels us to undergo experiences that make us feel connected to some "higher" force or power. Consequently, we tend to view these experiences as evidence that some higher realm does indeed exist.
Being that these represent two unique impulses, it's very possible that someone can be exceedingly religious, though not particularly spiritual, or, exceedingly spiritual, though not very religious.

Q: What is the extent of the "god module"? Does it explain all manifestations of spirituality or only religion?
A: Though what is referred to as a "God module" is really a nexus of several interactive mechanisms in the brain, religiosity does seem to be focused in the temporal lobe, whereas spiritual experience is derived from a combination of the amygdala, the parietal lobes and the right frontal cortex.

Q: Given that, as you mention, every feature of our experience can be reduced to neurophysiological processes, how would you qualify yourself on the reductionism/anti-reductionism conflict?
A: I am a strict reductionist.

Q: What do you think of reducing everything to genetics? Do you think there is more to life than the development of the effects of the genome in the individual and, by extension, society?
A: In regard to behavior, I look at it as genes representing the foundation of all behavior, whereas experience is the architect which builds upon that foundation. Savant that he was, had Mozart been born to indentured slaves, he would have grown to be the guy who could whistle a mean tune while toiling the fields. We are born with certain genetic potentials. Whether we fulfill these potentials depends on whether they are properly nurtured with experience.

Q: But does not the context of our experience also derive from the genetically-motivated behaviour of other people?
A: Absolutely, all feeding into the reductionist cycle of human experience.

Q: Can research on the "god module" bridge the much-vaunted gap between science and religion? What do you think of scientific pantheism as another possible bridge?
A: As far as I'm concerned, these new findings have sealed the gap between science and religion.

Q: What reactions have you gotten to the "god module" idea from the general public?
A: Everything from praise to contempt.

Q: What do some people find contemptible about the "god module" idea ? Its reductionism ?
A: Given that I am purporting that our spiritual/religious proclivities and beliefs emerged as an evolutionary adaptation--a physiologically-based coping mechanism--this would imply that there is no spiritual reality, no god, no soul, no afterlife, nothing that transcends or supercedes the physical realm whatsoever, in effect, invalidating every brand of spiritual or religious belief that exists. As you could imagine this has pissed off a few people.
In regard to the reductionistic qualities of such a theory, people seem to be further ired--even the non-religious--by the greater implication that all cognition/perception/emotion/sensation is derived from our genetic make-up in conjunction with the environment in which those genetic potentials are nurtured, neither variable of which we have the slightest control or influence therefore suggesting that there is no such thing as free will.
Even many atheists I've come across renounce such a harsh world view.

Q: How can humankind possibly benefit from these ideas?
A: As much as it might help to bond a society, as well as to provide us with mutual values and a sense of eternal hope, the religious impulse generates certain discriminatory behaviors that prompt us to commit all sorts of hateful acts and atrocities.
Perhaps if we we were to accept religiosity as a biologically-based impulse, we might be able to curb its potentially hazardous excesses, such as those that have led our species to engage in repeated acts of hostility, war, and genocide. Perhaps if were to come to terms with the fact that our species has been born into a neurological web of deceit, installed with a genetically inherited "white lie," we might be better able to more effectively focus our energies on the here and now, as opposed to on some dubious hereafter.

Q: You foresee a possible future where mankind learns to overcome its neurological impulses.
But what if we continue on our present course do you think that the divergence between our evolved instincts and today's increasingly complex world will attain a breaking point, or will we simply continue to be more and more dysfunctional beings ? How do you foresee our future as thinking beings?

A: Being that rational behavior and thinking is enacted by such a small percentage of individuals, I personally think that, in time, mankind is going to destroy itself in the end. Not the most optimistic prognosis but it's what I truly believe.

Q: Given that there is a god module, I suppose you agree that it is possible to eliminate spirituality, for example thru genetic engineering. Do you think it is desirable to do so, and why?
A: I would not seek to tamper with our genetic codes to eradicate our religious/spiritual impulses. It is mainly the extremes of this impulse which represent the greatest threat and need to be curbed by social education.

Q: This existential anxiety which must have also gripped our ancestors, the meaninglessness of the universe, those things that the "god module" is designed to supersede, do you think these subjects deserve more attention than they get today because of religion?
A: I think that as a result of our species' inherent religious impulses combined with a general intellectual malaise, most people accept whatever paradigm they were raised with as children and don't seek a much deeper understanding of their own humanity.

Q: Personally, have you come to grips with these subjects? If so, how?
A: I embrace my mortal coil and simply try to live my life with enough passion and integrity to make sure that I accomplish all my goals within this one and only lifetime.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


Still crying, still touched...
John Travolta is perfect in "Phenomenon" ... Just a man You want to hold in Your arms and delight. And that truth about people- fearing of what they can't understand, of what they don't want to know ... people who can't grasp the point ... and that makes their lifes pointless ... just a dust in the universe.
We can be what we want- it's a matter of focus, it's a matter of soul. We can reach high and still be truthful inside... We aren't able to know it all, but we must keep are eyes openwide ... so the point of it all doesn't blur, so we keep together as it's all we have. "Everything is connected"... everything is one organism. If we could all just get it, we could have peace and understanding, as the existance is something a living creature can't deny and can't fight. Fighting it is against the "life's" logic and denying its logic means being non-existent.
Just few scrambled thoughts after watching the "Phenomenon"- the tears are still falling down. Why the hell do I always cry during movies?

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The End ...

I woke up this morning to hear sad news- none of the miner survived the tragedy.
No miracle happened... .
The reports from the mine are tearing- men crying, women sobbing and fainting, the shadow of death fell upon those poor families.
And miners? They still go to work, always having in mind the threat that waits there beneath. The harsh, wild and fierce nature, which can't be tamed, although in our boldness we often seem to be sure we are masters of.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Miners' fate

Yesterday there was an explosion in one of the biggest polish coal mines. Eight miners are dead, 15 more are trapped beaneath the earth. The concentration of methane was too high. In fact it still is, so the rescue action can't be continued. The rescue team is waiting for the methane to get lower.
The time is ticking ...
Families are waiting ...
Experts elaborate on tachnical details ...
The Prime Minister visits the mine ...
Reporters hunt for info ...
Wifes and children weep ...
Photographers shoot the tears ...
The tragedy goes on...
The hope dies the last ...

Monday, November 20, 2006


You've got to see it- made me laugh till I cried....

My November

Still lost in the fog...
November shows its true face- Stripped, Soaked, Sad, Sadistic, Sly like a ssssnake.
My November:
Litres of coffee and lemon tea
Cherishing the coziness of my home
Humming christmas carols
Fantastic plans for next year holidays
More books, more reading
3 p.m. depression at work
Frantic looking through holiday photos
(to catch a glimpse of the GREEN)
Falling into husband's arms
Do You Dear Readers also have problem with November?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Foggy world

I can't see! The fog is too dense!
It seems the world is still in the deep sleep- as it simply forgot to wake up on time.
Will it open its eyes today? Or will we all be trapped it that foggy dream? Just like in the "Silent Hill" movie- without knowing what is waiting round the corner.
It's amazing how many faces the world has.
Our Eath is full of surpises, stuffed with awesome multitude of diversities in every area of existance. The mere fact that each week scientists discover new species, that there are many places still to explore, makes our world, though so known and globalized, still so mysterious and intriquing.

"All me" Quotations

He who can no longer pause to wonder
and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead;
his eyes are closed.
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Alber Einstein

Saturday, November 11, 2006

My Delight

I delight in Saturday mornings.
Woken up by the telephone from one of my clients, I usually get up around 10 o'clock. But that's fine. At least I don't sleep too long and the day seems to last forever.
The smell of the morning coffee, my favourite radio station is on, the time for MYSELF.
I need it. It's my way to relax. It's the time for getting a bit of lonliness- the feeling I don't get much during the week.
Nowhere to rush, slow motion of minutes.
My space finally belongs to me.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Tha Lack

God damn it!
No inspiration!
My inspiration melted with the snow and flowed into sewage.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Midnight Melancholy (Breathe)

Breathe, breathe in the air.
Don't be afraid to care.
Leave but don't leave me.
Look around and choose your own ground.
Long you live and high you fly
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
And all you touch and all you see
Is all your life will ever be.
Run, rabbit run.
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one.
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave.
(Waters, Gilmour, Wright)

Sunday, November 05, 2006

First November Snow

It's snowing, snowing, snowing.

Heavily and peacefully.

And it's quietly.

And it really doesn't bother me at all right now.

Contrary- it brings peace to my home.

Each year when I spot the first snow through my window, instantly I get that warm Christmas feeling, good memories come to me. All I need is a warm embrace ...

Friday, November 03, 2006

Novbember Freeze

Location: the seat by the bus window
Time: early evening, heading to the rehersal
Weather: freezing November

First time this year I wear a hat, winter coat and a scarf. The gloves are killing me- it's awkward to hold a pen while going by bus- and sometimes a thought comes to my mind and I NEED to jot it down. Friday evening, when it gets cold, brings peaceful emptiness to the streets. People's breaths blur the air. Looks as if they are breathing in and out their souls.
The bus stops. At the bus stop a young couple tries to embrace each other. There's no way- the stay in a half- cuddle- the coats are too large.
Half- hold, Half- cuddle, Half- life
We're slowing to the rythm of nature.
A short thought comes to my mind.
Nature strips
People preen
Then Nature sleeps
And People freeze

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

All Hallow Eve

Graveyards are sad ... they belong to the past.
Yesterday I was there with my daddy- we brought new candles and fresh flowers. It was getting dark, it was cold and windy but all graves were warmly glimming with thousands candlelights hidden between tons of colourful chrysanthemums. For two days graveyards become alive- so are our dead relatives- we tend to believe. And it's good that our civilization cares for those who are dead. That's the connection which makes us -people differ from animals.
But when we were walking arm in arm with my daddy, talking quietly about my dead grandparents we had just visited, I gave him a loving cuddle.
And it made me once again realise that
the past is to remember
the present is to cherish.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Miss Fortune had misfortune-
was crashed by wheel of fortune
It was turning far too fast
Be Careful!
It may happen to the best
(Short note for friends who boast too much :)

Monday, October 30, 2006

Dreamy Invader

You and You
always in my dreams
Real, so real
only when I sleep
Close, too close
makes me feel afraid
That my whisper
will reveal
will betray
that You were here

Short Reminiscence

My muscles hurt... but I don't have a flu.
That's the effect of the dancing party on Saturday. Oh, rock'n'roll and so on. I'm lovin' it! Good company, good music and good vodka - nothing can compare to it.


The October Sun flashes through more and more naked branches, the fall loses its magnificent colours. Tomorrow the rain will probably mix dead leaves with mud and soak the greying grass. But that will be tomorrow.

Today the fresh, cool air mingles gently with warm sun rays and all I feel is the unexplained and totally silly joy. I'd like to leave office and go for a long stroll through the park, come back home, make myself a lemon tea and get down to reading. Unfortunately my schedule as always is too full for such luxury. Rehersals, rehersals ...

Thomas Moran

Friday, October 27, 2006

While drunk...

Drunk in my mind
Physically sober
That is my way
to survive October
Soon to come winter
Freezes my cheer
Leaves cover my bed
Need You to warm me Dear
I deeply hope
Like nature blooms
That in the spring
I'll also do
(really while drunk... fall is killing me...)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Fragile Suicider

I'm helplessly shocked, I'm appalled and terrified!
I'm sorry and sad about what I heard yesterday!
A modest, shy, beautiful 14 years old girl commited suicide,
by hanging herself on the skipping rope.
On the skipping rope which should only be a toy of cheerful,
giggling small girls.
A day before her death, during the lesson at school, the teacher left the classroom. Then few boys forced the girl to take of her pants, they started touching her and pretending the rape. Oh, they were having fun- humiliating and embarrassing the poor, helpless girl. One of them made 20 minute film registered by digital camera in the cellphone. No one reacted- not even one child. They were afraid, as the boys were known for juvenile hooliganism. When the teacher entered the room and noticed something was wrong, all she got to know was, that boys were just picking on the girl.
The sensitive child simply couldn't cope with the shame, it was a tragedy for her. Her world must have totally crashed, the disgrace she felt pushed her to do such a horrific thing. I assume she was a rather introvert person, keeping her feelings to herself, unable to strongly disagree to the unjustice happening to her. But that's not a bad thing to be oversensitive. Such people feel more and deeper, such people become artists and bring the beauty to the world. Such people ... . But unfortunately, not this one anymore... Those fucking immature suckers, who wanted just "to have fun", broke the innocence, trashed it with their dirty hands, stained it with coarse language!
Her parents told the press they don't blame those boys and their parents for their daughter's death. WHY THE HELL NOT???? I can't make anything out of it. Who is responsible then? Maybe only partly, but someone crashed the balance of her life.
And now the sad reality of life- they are underaged so probably their punishment won't even make them blink their eyes.

I'm falling ...

Today I counted my second fall this week- firstly the bike :)
and today from the chair :) in the office.
Can You believe it?
Total madness...

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The Handicapped

Come in handy Handicapped
Show us how to treasure
What we take for granted
Without having a measure
For we can walk
and march for war
For we can speak
but tell all lies
Handicapped we are
Though having all we need
With no compasion- mentally ill
Looking so fine- rotten underneath
(inspired by Bordo)

I'm every woman

I'm every woman
Craving for attention
Sweet lies
not to mention
A walking contradiction
Within just one month
Anything can happen
That is woman's life.
(few verses to excuse myself :)

Sunday, October 15, 2006

October Impressions

Autumn trees striptease
Yellow lurking from the tops
Naked branches hold the sky
Melancholy in birds' quiet cry

Friday, October 13, 2006

Sad Conclusion

Don't worry, be happy
Friday the Thirteenth
Nothing bad can happen
Except for this:
You spill the milk all over
You crush Your shiny Rover
You really deadly miss her
You stain your favourite T-shirt
Don't worry, be happy
Saturday- Fourteenth
Nothing bad will happen
Except for this:
On and on all over
Like on the carousel
Life chases destiny
Through triviality...
And here just a short fiction from The New Yorker

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Childhood Love

Can You believe it ... Yesterday I saw my kindergarden boyfriend...
I haven't seen him for... let's think... 21 years. But as far as I remember it was him.
Oh, probably the first "love" in my life. I remember him wearing girlish leggins and the flowerish apron. But above all that he was very sweet- he drew pictures for me (unfortunately all my kindergarden "artworks" were thrown away to trash by my highly not sentimental daddy), he shared with me toys and was my second half when the whole group had dancing classes. I admired him for knowing geography (although I didn't know that word then)- he impressed me as he was the only child who could show on the map Wisła- the greates river in Poland. One stormy afternoon, when it was raining cats and dogs , we took a very grave decision- we decided to get married. In our talks about our future life together our greatest dream was ... to have a colour TV.
You must know, that my kindergarden years were closing Poland to the end of comunism, but still we had to wear red ribbons and sing and recite poems about Stalin and ZSRR. The shops were almost empty, people had to stand in few-days-queues to get a fridge or a radio, and for the car- of course only produced in comunist country, one had to wait for months. So having a colour TV was rarity.
Well, that's just a colourful memory from those grey and scary years.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Decency of a Villain

Recently I live decently
Do no harm to myself
With no compunctions
There's no self destruction

Monday, October 09, 2006


Oh, what a wonderful weekend I had! I was cooking delicious meals, drunk wine with friends. The lazy motion of those two days at last made me feel relaxed and peaceful.
And today the Sun fills my heart with joy.
And I lightheartedly give a damn about the right and wrong, giving up to sweet carelessness.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Happy Birthday to ...

I shut my eyes and blow 26 candles on my chocolate birthday cake
and I wish...
.... shhhh...
I won't tell, I want it come true someday.
Oh, what a date, what an age.
When I was 16 I thought, that at 26 I will know it all! How to live, what is important, does god exist, what is right, when the time is perfect? Oh, the innocence and carelesness! All I can realise now is that it's impossible to know everything and that learning is the whole life process. I wish myself the best- the wisdom and the idea to use it.
Happy Birthday Dominika.

Birthday card from my aunt.


Birthday flowers from my sister.


Birthday present from my husband.

Friday, October 06, 2006

The Greed

Oh, God's little malice
Forbiding the greed
When it's all people's nature
The craving for life

To grab it and taste it
With their mouths full
They mumble sinning
always yearn for more

Insatiable desire
Never to be fullfilled
But that urge lasts forever
But that is all in vain.

(inspired by Bordo)

Monday, October 02, 2006

A Plea

Yes, I plead guilty- guilty of neglect.
Gulity of not having enough time for myself and friends.
Many memories and thoughts are knocking in my head and I have no time to let them out.
And I feel a constant disability to focus and concentrate on the essentials.
I'm in the middle of "The Satanic Verses" by Salman Rushdie . Oh, what a book- full of everything, packed with multicultural details and delightfully distant! And so I loved "Baudolino" by Umberto Eco.
The fall is always composing great with the books. Maybe because turned pages rattle the same as colourful leaves falling from autumn trees. By the way -" Autumn Leaves" by Eva Cassidy- immortal and ALWAYS makes me shiver.

Monday, September 25, 2006


The September Sun, which successfully imitates summer, makes me feel over the Moon. The positive vibes explode, lots of good tunes all around, I take it easy on me. The notes are getting back to me- still searching, but they are closer than ever.
Life is delightful!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Mother's-in-law wishes...

That's our decision! When we feel ready, when we feel it's the right time, when an indescribable inner voice in us will start to whisper- that's the time!
I won't let anybody put a pressure on us! Noone's dreams and cravings are ours, nobody lives in my skin, thinks my thoughts!
Nobody owns my womb.
I refuse to fullfill else's expectations! I refuse to listen to good advice, to be patient to constant nagging!
Having a baby is not a marital duty! Being overwhelmingly fertile is not a fulfulment of public service!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

In Haste

No time for me, for the love ones, for friends.
All the time in a hurry.
I try to cheat the night, I try to cheat my mind, everything seems to turn upside down.
The week seems to be longer, my weekends are gone, I sleep the whole Sunday, to wake up Monday morning and rush to work.
Oh, sweet November- how I yearn for You to come, though I hate Your tears and moods that streap the world of its colours to leave the sheer nudity.
But You will bring back my weekends!!!
The weddings are killing me!
Just the shouting of a desperate :)

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Province

Each time I visit a provincial town I always seem to get a feeling of deja vu. They all look the same with their distinctive charm, slow rythm of the streets and curious but open people, who seem to wander in no precise direction. Some of them are especially catchy and interesting to me- they are inevitably the most colourful detail in sometimes gloomy provincial scenery.
With their cravings confined only to satysfy a burning desire for a sip of liqor, they are flowing with the lazy motion of provicial time. Crowding on square benches and shop windows niches they contemplate the complexity of the world trying to find the best way to survive another day. Provincial drunkards whose tired, alcoholic glances bend the sorrowful reality to the needs of drunk minds, like magicians, with every sip they slide deeper into the ilusive, carefree existence where the thoughts seem to stretch and imagination blasts with the most unbelievable ideas. Some smiling benignly in the alcoholic blackout, some skirmishing over perochial life or death matters, others mumbling about the long lost youth and innocence. On and on... from the bright morning till the darkening night, from the first to the last drop.

Jan Gotard "Drunkard" (1929)


Sunday, September 10, 2006

The Connection with the World

I love that overwhelming moments when it suddenly occurs to me that the world is so beautiful! All of a sudden its beauty strucks me like a thunder. For a few minutes in amazement I'm contemplating the wonders of nature- every tree and flower astonishes me with its fragile perfection, the colour of the sky fills my pupils with the spectrum of blue and clouds seem to shape in every single thing my vivid imagination can dream of. Everything seems to fit to each another. The feeling of an infinite connection with the world around calms my anxiousness. That soothing emotion overcomes me and for a moment I feel a profound sense of inner peace. Oh how I yearn for that feeling to last forever... But it disappears and leaves the longin, which makes me constantly look for that found and lost peace.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006


The Memory of what should be forgotten,
as it existed just for a sleepless night
to fade away with the naked sunrise,
still lingers somewhere deep within
Though crashed with realm of impossibility
sometimes wakes up in the september sun
in torment leaves the stable heart of mine.

Monday, September 04, 2006

A Fighter

I happen to be a really curious person. Although my curiosity sometimes causes me trouble, it also gives a chance to learn, meet and experience many interesting things and people.
Have You ever spoken with an accomplished boxer- a guy with a broken nose, scary look in his eyes and broad shoulders proving hours of trainings and fights? Having in mind only stereotypes of such people, I was eager to meet one. And I had a luck to meet few of them at one time two days ago. I couldn't let go a chance to speak with one of them.
"My" boxer, who has already had 213 fights and is a multiple champion, turned out to be a very intelligent and educated person (beside fighting is now doing a master degree in international relations) so it was a nice and interesting talk we had. Of course I asked him thousands of questions to learn about all matters which were intriguing me while I was watching boxing fights. Does it hurt? What gives him the strive to step on the boxing ring? How does he mentally prepares for the fight? I learned that many times he is fighting not only with other boxers, but also with stereotypes, including those, that boxers are generally stupid and agressive people. Of course exeptions always prove the rule, but in fact they learn to be more self-aware and self-disciplined than any of us, as the strenght and skills they have can be disastrous if used not on the boxing ring. I got to know many details on boxing history and how it changed through the years, learned about contusions boxer suffer from and many other engrossing facts about that sport. It turned out it takes a real deal of hard work, both physical and psychological, to be a good boxer. And as we met at the wedding, from my own observation I may add that some boxers are really talented dancers. :)

Friday, September 01, 2006

A School Day

A sudden blast of the north, september wind hit me when I was stepping out from my house today's morning. It made me shiver all over my body and weaved the smell of the autumn into my hair. "So it comes..."- a gloomy thought crossed my mind.
How powerful are habits, dreams and memories (both good and bad) of our childhood... The 1st of September is a first day of a schoolyear. From the beginning of my educational "career" it always announced the end of the summer and holiday freedom, and the beginning of school routine, exams, shorter and colder days drowned in the constantly pouring rain. Although I have already finished my education (for now at least), that day will always be the same for me. And though, believe it or not, I woke up with no awareness of the 1st September, the frigid gust of that harsh wind quickly reminded me of that mournful day.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Dust in the Wind

When creating that blog I promised myself not to do it political. Not that I am not interested what's going on in our world, but because it is to be my peaceful asylum, searching for the balance in my life, which I started to loose.
The reason I'm breaking my rule is a heated debate about Lebanon- Israel conflict I spotted on . I happen to have studied law and while my studies and preparation to my master degree, I traced ongoing military conflicts, it's consequences for civilian, economy and global relations. As I have noticed war is a great business- started for political, fundamentalist or any other reasons, it finally makes someone rich and the others starving. No matter how noble or justified the reasons are they fade away with the war-dust and all is left are loosers! People being slaughtered, women and children raped and displaced, druged kids killing with machine guns, people sold into slavery ( oh no, slavery didn't end with abolition!!!), used for prostitution... And I can count many more horrors which people create for other human beings. And we call ourselves wiser than animals... One of polish writers once wrote that the last war between people will be the fighting with stones. Unfortunately I must agree- every conflict, regardless human technological progress, makes us turn back to our beginning. And that's a very sad conlusion for today!

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I Can't Stop! (But I Will)

The August ends with a cold- my nose is running, my lungs are fighting with constant caughing and I have a lot of spare time out of work... And what am I doing? Let me count- the fridge is dirty, there's a horrific need for using washing machine, oh... and of course the ironing- my best! And then dusting, not mentioning the piles of documents that need to be at last put into order (if such word can be appropriate for what is "my" order)...
And there are tens of books I have no time to read, DVD films that I haven't yet seen ...
But well, shit!!! I need time for my pleasure, the rest MUST wait!!! I will make myself a cup of delicious cafe latte, play my favourite Beady Belle music, slip into my bed and take a new book to read. Yeah, this is what I'm gonna do... But first I have to set on a dishwasher, and then ... Gosh, I'm killing myself...

My July flowers

Saturday, August 26, 2006

No Good News

It's raining cats and dogs and I'm feeling under the weather.
The life goes on, and so on, bla,bla,bla...

Such a distant memory it seems ... July...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Rainbow

Today I saw the most beautiful rainbow in my life.
Its robust arch was brightly glowing over the sodden, gleaming road I was travelling. From the ambigous beginning, hidden in the tree tops, to the blurred ending somewhere by the horizon, the rainbow overwhelmed me with its magnitude and charmed with the vividness of colours. Minutes after it showed its astounding beauty, grim clouds crept in and hazed over the sun- the sun, whose rays gave birth to that colourful feast. That's how the rainbow, which basked in reflected glory of it's distant parent, faded away never to be seen again.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Working Your Ass Off

Today I was at the business meeting with a manager of 3 polish branches of a huge international transport and logistics company. We talked over points of our future contract, which hopefully will bring our company nice income. The man was a perfect example of modern yuppie- young, well-earning and overworked businessman with great ambition but no time for himself. As far as I learned travelling between 3 offices spread around Poland takes most of his time. I didn't spot a wedding ring on his finger, so I assumed he's a bachelor.
We talked more than an hour and not even a faked smile appeared on his face. He seemed very strict, demanding and rational- all a good manager should be. While talking he looked straight into our eyes, listened carefully to our every word, as we have presented him facts and information he had no idea about, but somehow sometimes I felt he simply looked down on us. I got to know he has started his work there not long ago and was not liked by his coworkers, who feel he plays smart and is unkind for people around. Well, he indeed makes such an impression. And it made me wonder, whether he enjoys his work and finds it comfortable.
The job, which usually takes most of each adult's life, should give not only money, but also a pleasure and fulfilment of one's ambition and goals. I am lucky to do what I like- my job is creative, many things depend on my decisions, and although sometimes it is very stressful, it also gives a great deal of satisfaction and good money. But many of my friends, though bright and educated, can't find such job. Their work, as they constantly grizzle, is boring and gives no satisfaction. I don't know if it is because of their approach, which from the start constitutes resentment, or the wrong choosing of the kind of profession they are in.
Nevertheless, finding a job which makes You feel good, seems to be a hard work to do.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Dirty Rhyming

He smelled like a sin
What else could I do?
I totally gave in
... It was quarter past noon ...

Thursday, August 17, 2006


For centuries we've been told that human being is nothing without religion- only it makes us different from animals. But now, when religion turns out to be a source of murderous violence, the explanation that christian, muslim or hindu fundamentalists overuse and deform religion, is not enough.
The atheism should be once again brought back to favours as it's the only way to maintain peace. The lesson of modern terrorism shows that if God exists, for people who are acting "in god's will"everything is possible and justified - including killing of thousands of innocent people.
Fundamentalists do (what they feel is) good to fullfill god's will and earn redemption. On contrary, atheists do good beacuse they feel it should be done that way, because either way they would have compunctions.
Those are just few conclusions from the article I recently read by Slavoj Zizek- modern philosopher. Conclusions I fully indetify with.
I choose to be an atheist.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Four seasons of my life

I couldn't anticipate it coming.
Or maybe I'm just lying to myself as every spring and summer the same feelings flood my mind. Something beautiful invades my stable life, turns it upside down, leaves me with pondering heart and wet eyes, longing for a gentle and bright one whose softly spoken words would soothe my anxiety.
And then comes the fall; always sad and depressing and cold in every way. I'm getting tired of life, everything stops to have even a slightest sense. Words seem to be pointless and vehement winds blow away good thoughts.
The first snow always breaks my heart reminding carefree childhood and snowmen with carrot noses stolen from my mum's kitchen. But then the frost and cold freeze my warm memories to death. All that's left melts with dirty snow smashed by cars on icy roads. The sadness flees away with Christmas time, to come back and in anticipation wait for the spring to burst with its colours and aromas.

Friday, August 04, 2006


There's a magic I can't hold
Your smile of honey gold
and that You never seem to be in short supply of
Infatuation: surreptitious glances, shivering to every touch, neverending lonliness...
Love: trust, support, neverending future ... boredom???

Wednesday, August 02, 2006


Time: Couple of weeks ago, Sunday morning
Location: bus stop
Me: alone, but not lonely
It was very early, around 8 a.m. Having only a backpack ,I was sitting alone, slowly drinking joghurt and feeling total laziness. Suddenly a blue car slowly passed me by. I wouldn't even notice it, but somebody shouted at me. Turning my eyes, I realised the car was packed with teenaged, made-up girls. One of them pulled her head through the window and shouted aloud with anger : "Hey, you stupid whore !!! Wanna fuck with me ? !!!". The rest laughed. It struck me. "What tha fuck?"- I thought, but I didn't react, slowly looking at them turning the next bend. My heart started beating faster. Was I afraid of the bunch of stupid whores, probably coming back drunk from a disco or another fucking party? ... Yes, ... and that destroyed my harmony. It suddenly occured to me that if those were teenage boys I wouldn't be so afraid. And then it flashed my mind they can come back, as it did look like a way to provoke me.
I'm not a person who can be easily frightened; many times I was coming back late at night alone, having no fear of being attacked. Well, maybe that's simply senseless, but the city doesn't frighten me. And now, in the break of the day, I got scared. I got scared beacuse the tone of her voice was so cool and cruel and provoking at the same time. And I reminded myself the statistics showing that girls and women can be far more cruel and dangerous than men.
"Where the hell is that bus?"- it crossed my mind... I got really nervous, all the time looking around- nobody but me. And then the fears became reality- the car appeared once again and turned into my direction. All I could do was to keep my head up high- so I don't look like a helpless victim, and don't catch eye contact- so I don't provoke anyone. The car passed me slowly, I saw them staring at me, but tried to remain cool. Luckily, out of the corner of my eye I saw the bus closing to the bus stop. Those stupid whores must have spotted it also and the car went away. "Ufff" - I thought sitting comfortably in a totally uncomfortable bus seat.
And now something more on cruelty of women. "Girls playing with fish"- I would call it. I took the picture in July.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Emily and the Fall

Nothing. Completely nothing.
A disastrous melancholy fell on my troubled mind. And all because of the aroma of august apples that filled my house. The smell which always brings the fall into my life.
HOW happy is the little stone
That rambles in the road alone,
And doesn’t care about careers,
And exigencies never fears;
Whose coat of elemental brown
A passing universe put on;
And independent as the sun,
Associates or glows alone,
Fulfilling absolute decree
In casual simplicity.
Emily Dickinson (one of my favourite poets)

Take a look at all of Emily Dickinson's work:

Monday, July 31, 2006

"Man is a reed, the weakest of nature, but he is a thinking reed"

"Hey, tiny bugie! Where are you heading so fast?"- I couldn't help myself asking a little creature walking across the page of the article about women's literature I was reading. It was light- brown and not more than 2 mm long. Stepping over many words, which were simply black spots on it's "pavement", it reached the edge of the page, hesitated: what to do next? For a moment it ran to the back of the page, but came back. For a brief second it lingered on the edge trying to catch balance, and then suddenly spread it's little wings and in a flash it was gone flying away in an unknown direction.
So much nothing but it stunned me and brought to my mind Blaise Pascal. Because we are such bugs in the universe. And what if we are rushing on someone's property, having no idea that our world is indeed just a small part of it? If everything we are or we think or would like to be, is simply a meaningless joke? And people hate to think that they are meaningless and their life has no purpose. That's why we have created ourselves a god, who makes it all clear and makes it easier to understand all the miracles. And Pascal , although a very religious man, once wrote: "If God does not exist, one will lose nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose everything by not believing". So it seems, it's better to be a cool rationalist than a devoted believer.
"It is man's natural sickness to believe that he posesses the Truth".