Saturday, December 09, 2006


This night I had the most terryfing, disturbing nightmare in my whole life. It was connected with a dream I had months ago in which I somehow found myself in a hospital as a visitor. Walking down the corridor I was spotted by lady working there as a psychologist. I don't know why, but she asked me to help her. She had to tell one family waiting at the hospital, that their relative deceased, and take them to the room, when the corpse was. In such things I'm a total coward. Every death, every burial in the family is for me an experience so emotionally tough, that I have to recover for few weeks, fighting with sadness and fear. That's why I was very reluctunt to help the lady. But somehow she managed to persuade me and though it wasn't a nice experience, I coped with it. The family members were in pain when they saw their dead relative lying on the bed in a darkened hospital room, but I was there to support and give them hope.
Tonight I once again found myself in that same hospital. Walking down the corridor I encountered the same lady. This time she was to tell me that my Mum died. I was struck! Couldn't speak a word, couldn't make a move, the pain fell upon me, the world around was blurred. All I could see were sad eyes of that psychologist, full of sympathy for me. Than she took me to the same, darkened room I remembered from the previous dream. And there she was- my Mum. I came to bed and hold her in my arms crying, sobbing with sadness and the great loss, and the emptiness that filled my body, remembering all the good moments we had, regretting she'll never see her grandchildren.
And then I woke up- trembling in the middle of the night. Firstly I felt a relief that it was just a dream, but soon after I burst into cry, tears were falling down, made me choke with sobbing. I couldn't help it. My body inside was so moved, trembling. I felt the pain in my chest and it was hard for me to breath. My body hurt, my heart was pounding, I had chaos in my mind. The physical reaction was so overwhelming, and I couldn't overcome it. All I wanted was to call my parents to make sure they are ok. But I realised it was 4 a.m. and my call would only make them anxious about me. I woke up my Dear and he hold me till I stopped crying. I couldn't go to sleep right away, had to distract with something that would make me calm, and before 6 a.m. I fell asleep on the couch in the living room.
Writing this I feel the same I felt that night. Sadness, the pain! I can't stop the tears! In few moments I'm going to see my Mum- and gonna hold her tight to make sure she is ok. I feel that somehow that dream changed me. I touched the feelings so grave, so horrific that I will never forget.
And I don't want them to ever come real, I DON'T WANT!!!

No comments: